Bio

Bio

This rather rambling gathering of words was first started at the same time as the 1st version of this site about 10 years ago and has never been changed unless expressly noted. Warts and all, feel free to find out a bit about how I have arrived at where I am in my life. Not Pulitzer prize winning stuff but that's not the point.

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1963 - Born in Northern Ireland (or one of the 9 counties of Ulster, or 32 of Ireland; I really don't care)

1967 - See my mum getting out of the bath and first notice the difference (obviously an approximate date but not far off!)

1968 - Primary school, decide that unless I want to be bullied for the rest of my time there I had better not be a softy. I do honestly remember making the decision.

1969 - My dad keeps me up to see the Apollo 11 landing, well it is related to TV!

1971 - Saw a documentary on TV that featured a TV/TS, I can still remember it clearly, Alan Whicker's World, if that's how you spell his name.

1973 - Start dressing in mum's tights first, then a dress, then bra in bathroom when I get the chance. Continue for next 5 years!

1979 - Parents go away for a weekend and I spend the whole time dressed (I was very good at remembering how things were put away.

1980 - Get a job in a supermarket while studying for 'A'Levels, acquire first makeup.

1982 - Go to University in Sheffield and meet first girlfriend

1983 - Dress up and go out on the town (bus, pubs and clubs, all straight) as the result of a bet with girlfriend and two male friends. I didn't exactly say no for too long and none of them suspected me although they may have afterwards! Still one of my fondest memories and I wish I had the photos to prove it.

1984 - Start buying own clothes, God what a nerve racking experience, I must have paced miles outside shops and ended up buying absolute rubbish.

1985 - Came out to girlfriend and showed her me dressed. She wasn't exactly happy but accepted it. Then graduated with a Degree in Geology and got a job in Software development in London.

1986 - A few weeks from being married to the girlfriend she catches me dressed and all hell breaks loose (previous acceptance vanished overnight). She tells parents, insists that I go and see them (most humiliating moment of my life) and then calls marriage off.

1987 - Join TV/TS Support group in London and go for first of a number of visits.

1988 - Buy first house

1989 - Meet future wife at work

1990 - Future wife moves in

1991 - Tell future wife of cross dressing, again not happy but relieved that it is not another GG when I said that I had to "tell her something". Dress in front of her for the first of countless times.

1992 - Get married

1993 - Really start getting a wardrobe together and go to first BS meeting.

1995 - Fiona's wardrobe bigger than male one

1997 - First of a number of visits to the Wayout Club in London, brilliant!!! Get on the net, brilliant!!!

1998 - Father dies very sad event and not one for this page (bad!), move to W. Sussex (brilliant!!! apart from no Wayout Club, not brilliant!!!)

1999 - First web site (yes, this one!), going to the BS conference in Rotherham in November (4 whole days dressed, swoon)

1999 - September - My wife and I decided to seperate for a while so that I can really decide what my future is going to be. No matter what the outcome may be, we are certain that we will always be there for each other. Making this step is the hardest thing I have ever done but both of us know that I must find out where my level is, even though that may eventually mean SRS. God knows where this will end, but, to my loving wife I can only say that I love her, always will and appreciate the acceptance she has sown of my crossdressing in the 10 years we have been togther. We will remain soul mates for eternity.

1999 - September 26 - Well the day has arrived. My wife moved out today, a VERY emotional time but I know that it had to be done. I could never respond to her affections with the vigour that she deserves whilst I spend ever waking moment questioning the future with regards to Fiona. So today I have been to the the shops to get some things that I need to start spending virtually every moment away from work as Fiona. I intend to take things slowly at first and plan each step carefully. Although I have been out before dressed it has not been among the wider public, I therefore intend to spend the next couple of weeks at home having taken two weeks off work to be Fiona full time.

Back to the shopping, what did I get you ask?

8 pairs of Knickers (Charnos and Gossard)

1 Red Evening dress from J. Taylor

1 Dark Red top

1 Brown business suit with matching blouse

Tights, false nails, assorted cosmetics, miosturisers, cleansers, etc

I should have photos of some of the above later this month on the photo pages.

1999 - October 3 - At last! I went out last night for the first time in ages and certainly not the last. I had a brilliant night out with my friend Laura. We met at the Philbeach where I was staying and then went to Ron Stormes and the Way Out Club all of which were excellent. It was a joy to just be out and chatting even though I probably drank too much on an empty stomach (nerves really affect my desire to eat so given that I am dressing every day now, size 12 here I come!).

1999 - October 10 - Well I'm just about to go back to work after 11 days off. Time as Fiona -260 hours, other person- 4 hours. Boy is it going to be strange putting on male clothes again. Now if I could only repeat this and go about normal life!! Well that's a target.

1999 - November 3 - How things change! Since my wife moved out on September 26, I have had the opportunity to dress pretty much all of the time apart from work and going shopping (my looks might just pass with a following wind, dark light and a myopic shop assistant but they would have to be clinically deaf not to read me from my voice, I have just received Melanie Anne Phillips video on voice training so we will see what happens). Whilst I have enjoyed every moment of my time as Fiona there was something missing. That was the special and elusive emotion called Love and the almost umbilical connection that my wife and I have always enjoyed. We spent many tearful nights talking on the phone and up to a week or so ago I was still absolutely convinced that I had done the right thing and that my journey to GRS and beyond had begun. Then, I woke up two Sundays ago and as soon as I opened my eyes I knew something had changed (sounds all very X Files or biblical but it has more to do with REM and Delta wave sleep (sorry, a bit of a give away that I subscribe to New Scientist, which is similar to Scientific American for any US Girls reading this). I digress (don't you just hate people who keep using brackets in sentences!), what had changed was a realisation that no matter how strongly I feel more me as Fiona, it is not so overriding to destroy the sort of relationship that I believe only comes around once in a lifetime, whether it is man-woman, man-man, woman-woman, or any combination of the gender universe. So after a day of very, very honest talking we have got back together.

So far it is working out unbelievably well. I think for both of us the seperation made both of us realise what is really important. I realised my selfishness and she said that she realised that whether i shaved all over, dressed regularily and painted my toenails was pretty unimportant. She has started to refer to Fiona as a real person and not my male name dressed up. We have also agreed that Fiona should be able to live a full life herself and it is our intention to purchase a flat in London for Fiona. At the same time my male alter ego has, with the realisation that there may be a happy half way house, experienced a renewed physical and emotional attraction for my wife that hasn't existed for a number of years. Who knows what the future holds but I am quite happy to see where it goes. One thing is for sure, Fiona is going out to have a good time!

1999 - December 1 - Visited the Way Out club on Saturday 27th November and had a great time with my friend Laura. Had a bit of a poor start to the evening when I turned up at the Philbeach Hotel where I had booked a room (or so I thought!). I had booked and prepaid for a double room with bathroom in advance, they agreed tha I had paid for it and had proof, however, they hadn't actually reserved the room and they were now full. Given the fiasco of the Beaumont conference I couldn't believe my ears. They did, however, luckily find me the last available room next door at the York House Hotel where I somehow managed to squeeze myself into what can only be described as a cupboard. I must say though that it was at least clean and the girl on reception was very helpful at the York House. I would, however, suggest that anyone thinking of staying at the Philbeach should phone up the day after booking to check that the reservation has actually been recorded, as this is the second time that this has happened to me (the first time they luckily weren't full). On another subject I think I am having withdrawal symptoms from clothes shopping as it has been several weeks. So I guess I will have to do some additional Xmas shopping for Fiona as well as friends and family!

1999 - December 17 - Not much to report (unfortunately), with the pre Xmas season in full swing, weekends have been pretty much tied up. So dressing has been confined to home for the last couple of weeks. Still, on the bright side, this time of the year is great for shopping, most shop assistants hopefully think that I might actually have some idea of what a girl likes about lingerie (pretty but not tarty!). Major shopping expedition planned for Wednesday to buy Fiona's pressies, not that she going to get to wear them until the new year!

2000 - January 12 - Unfortunately no trips out yet this year, the run up to Xmas and the start of this year have seen every weekend fully booked by other commitments. I did manage to do a bit of shopping and picked up a long light Biege wrap around look skirt and bronze/black lycra top from J. Taylor (sounds odd but I like it!) and a black/pink clubby skirt from Ego. Dressing has thus been restricted to home but at least it has been often. Work commitments abroad mean that I will be out of the country for the next 3 weeks so by the time I get back I will have to get out or simply burst a blood vessel!

2000 - February 19 - Well I should have been going out in London tonight with my friend Laura but I couldn't find a Trans firendly hotel with any rooms free apart from the Philbeach which would normally be my choice. They have, however, decided from Xmas to only accept bookings for two nights at the weekend and not one. This meant that , given that all of the en suite rooms had gone, that the cost of staying in a room with no toilet or shower was £126. Now some would call that market forces, others, exploitation. Suffice to say I told them in the most ladylike way where to stuff their room. Hence, Fiona once again is a stay at home girl. To cheer myself up I did a bit of shopping and bought a beautiful Taupe business suit with a mid thigh skirt from Wallis and a strappy stretch black cocktail dress (yes, another one, but a girl can't have too many) from Debut. I wore both this evening whilst having dinner and a games evening with my wife (board games for those of you with a smutty mind!). Anyway, the business with the hotels will just spur me on to trying to find a flat in London for Fiona.

2000 - April 21 - Not much to report as my mother has been staying with us for 5 weeks so to say that it rather cramped Fiona's style would be an understatement. She has now moved into her new flat and so I cunningly worked from home on Wednesday and Thursday. Any old excuse to get my best business suits out. I played a bit with my new digital camera as you can see from my new Gallery. Not great at the moment but that is my fault not the camera as it does take very clear pics. I am looking forward to using it regularly and so there will be lots more postings from now on. I also feel a shopping trip coming on soon and hopefully a trip out next month.

2000 - July 12 - I'm really just updating this for the sake of it as I don't have a great deal of Fiona news. Dressing has been confined to home for the last few months as I have miserably failed to match my diary to outings. I hope to recify that in August. I certainly need an excuse to show off the gorgeous blue evening dress that I bought at Debut.

2000 - August 15 - At last I got to go out again. What a relief! Had an absolutely fabulous time with Laura, Kim and Claudia and later on met many others, Tamsin, Andrea, Nicki and Sarah. There are girls whose names I have forgotten and if you are one of them I'm sorry, but the list above is pretty good for me to remember. You can find the pics in the gallery.

2000 - October 21 - Had a fantastic night out (pics in my gallery) only spoilt by the fact that my bestest friend Laura couldn't make it. I actually had two firsts on the night. I decided to stay in a proper mainstream hotel rather than pay over the odds for substandard accommodation as I have done in the past. I got a room at the Tower Thistle hotel by the Tower of London which is very close to both Ron Storme's and the WayOut. (on a rather sad note, Ron Storme passed away last week and will be missed greatly. However, the club is carrying on and I am sure it is a fitting memorial.)

The room was superb and had a great view over the River Thames. Before I could get to Ron's for 10:30 I had to negotiate my two firsts! The hotel is a four star business hotel so I had to negotiate may way from the room to the lifts as I was on the 7th floor, get in to the very well lit and fully mirrored lift and walk across the lobby to the outside. And what happened.................. absolutely nothing, the anticipated reception by hoards of pointing people didn't materialise! It may not sound much but when doing it for the first time it sure feels that way. The second thing was to get a black cab at the hotel door and God bless the driver whose only words to me were "very nice". Needless to say I was quite elated by the time I arrived.

I met up with the other Angels, Kim and Claudia and in turn met a number of other Angels for the first time which was a pleasure as always and their pics can also be found in the gallery. We then moved on to the Wayout were we had a chance to sit down, rest our feet and have a yarn which was brill. So just before closing at 4:00 it was back off to the hotel where again there was no welcoming committee. Anyway, roll on the next time!

2000 - November 21 - Had a nice night out after work with Laura and Claudia (all in drab I'm afraid). Unfortunately Kim couldn't make it but it was nice to meet Maria for the first time. It's not the same as when you are dressed but it's still lovely to meet up with the Angels in any guise.

2000 - November 27 - My old friend Jeanette who went back home to Australia a couple of years ago is coming over just before Xmas. As I can't do any of the weekends we have arranged to go out on Thursday 14th December to a Restaurant in Soho called Steph's which is apparently TGirl friendly. I booked the table today and have also booked a hotel for the night up town. So all that remains is to get a new outfit and then panic about my first visit to a public restaurant as Fiona (gulp!).

2000 - December 14 - What a brilliant night! My friend Jeanette came over to the Tower Thistle at about 6:30pm having had to negotiate public transport from Lewisham as there were no cabs to be had for love nor money (a sign of things to come later!). So after a few calming drinks in the room we set off for Stephs shortly after 8:00pm. So down the lift, out across the crowded lobby and straight into a queue for taxis! After about 10 minutes we finally were off, with no one seeming to have paid us any attention at all. Duly arrive at the restaurant which is very busy and we are seated in between two large tables of people having their work's Xmas dinners! Once again, a couple of curious glances and that was it! It has to be said that we were treated as ladies all evening long, the two waiters being very attentive (oh and the food was very good too!). At one point towards the end a man from the table behind us even came over and offered to take a piccy of us without us having to ask. At the end of the meal the waiters sat down and had a chat along with the owner Steph. I really can't recommend this place highly enough. We then left and walked round the corner to a coffee bar where we sat outside for an hour watching the world go by (it was a very mild night!) and this time the bouncer offered to take our photo! Eventually we decided that it was time to call it a day so we set off in search of a taxi. Yes, I hear you say, 2:00am in the West End two weeks from Xmas, no problem! Well I can't believe that I have done it but we walked all the way down to Charring Cross through hoards of people and nothing happened. By this time we had no choice but to join the queue at Charring Cross station. Over an hour later and after 4 or 5 conversations with people in the queue, who were all really nice and very curious. It's quite amazing how without exception every single person assumed that we must be gay! Obviously a bit more education is needed. Anyway, we eventually got a cab and so ended a wonderful night of new experiences and great fun with Jeanette. All I can say is thanks Jeanette for giving me the confidence, it was brilliant!

2001 - January 27 - Another great night out at the UK Angels first anniversary bash in Kensington, London. It started off well when I arrived at the Tower Thistle Hotel to find out that they had upgraded me to a suite! I had persuaded an old friend of mine, Jill to come along as I hadn't seen her for a long time. She and her wife kindly offered to give me a lift there which I gladly accepted. One of the drawbacks of having a suite is that they are on the 11th floor, so there is much more likelihood of someone stopping the lift on the way down. Sure enough at the 8th a couple got in and asked if I was going down (I'm sure there is an Aerosmith song about that!), to which I just smiled and nodded. They just continued talking to each other, so another phobia faced! We got to the club at about 9:40 to find lots of wonderfully elegant girls in best frocks already there. The rest of the evening including a fashion show went in a flash. It was great to see so many girls using this as their debut, I don't think they could have chosen a better night. It was especially nice to meet Siobhan and Joanne for the first time not to mention Jill, Laura, Kim, Claudia, Nicola and Joanna. Sorry if there are names I have forgotten but I'm hopeless at that.

2001 - March 9 - No real news about getting out, although hopefully that will change in the near future. It just struck me that my dressing at home is very different than it used to be. By that, I mean that although my frequency of dressing has increased over the years, so has the nature in one respect. A few years ago, when I had the opportunity for a day dressed, I used to virtually treat it as a fashion show and would change clothes every hour or so, always ending up with Evening wear! Now, I decide what I am going to wear at the start of the day and feel no need to change into anything else. My only problem is going to bed (no, not in that way!). It is always a major problem forcing myself to retire because even though I know that normally Fiona will only have to hide in the shadows for a few days, she clings on to every last moment.

2001 - Nov 23 - No real news again, isn't this getting boring. Had a nice night last Saturday out with my friend Siobhan who has definitely got into the fast lane where transition is concerned. I can't believe how few times I have been out this year, 3, where the hell did the time go! The year 2000 I managed a few firsts and so I am determined that next year I am going to get back on track. Watch out for a New Years resolution list that hopefully will be more successful than some.

2002 - Mar 8 - Well it's been a few months since I've written anything in here and obviously I have been inundated with people asking for an update, well obviously only in my dreams. Anyway, I've mostly been confined to home dressing apart from the absolutely fab trip to Manchester in Feb. Still I shouldn't complain as I have been working from home a lot recently and am dressed about 3 full days a week. If only I could wear the suits I wear working at home to the office! I'm really looking forward to my next trip out with the girls on April 13th, look out for the pictures. On a more serious note, I still struggle every day with the need to be more complete. I find it increasingly difficult to keep up the macho facade to friends and family. You know the old adage about how often men think about sex, once every 8 minutes or whatever, well for me I probably think about sex once every 8 weeks but think about living my life as a female probably close to every 8 minutes. That being said, it obviously speaks a great deal about the relationship I have with my wife that it is still more important to me than letting Fiona live fully.

2004 - Feb 8 - Lots of time's out (see pics pages). I'm very lucky that I can I go out and dress at home as often as I want. I shouldn't complain but it's never often enough! I don't have anything of great import to say so I'll probably wait another couple of years to update ths page. Not that I'm sure many people actually read any of this!

2004 - Mar 23 - Well to say that this was a close shave would be an understatement. I was working at home dressed as I usually do a couple of times a week. Although we have a study where our home PC is, I prefer to use my work laptop in the Dining room as it has patio doors to the garden and is very light and airy. So the doorbell rings and I ignore it for obvious reasons. I think no more about it for a couple of minutes. I then turn round to see someone in the back garden on the patio infront of the patio doors. As I get up from the chair, they turn round and from about 12 feet away our eyes meet before I turn around and run up the stairs. I wait for a couple of minutes and then hear something being put through the letterbox in the front door. I wait until I hear a car driving off and go down to see what it was. It was a delivery note from the Royal Mail telling my wife that a parcel had been left in the back under a garden table. So not the end of the world you might say if a postman sees you. Well in most cases that would be so, but this happened to be a postman that plays in a friendly golf competition that I run every week and knows that this is our house. Not only are we very active in the golf club and know many people, but those people also know my wife and my family and a number of people that work in my business are also members there. As you can imagine, it appeared that the only way I could have come out in more spectacular fashion would have been to advertise on prime time TV. Three days later we were due to play at the club and then go to the end of season Black Tie Dinner, so we were shaking all the way to the club with every intention of having to face the big question. Well, nothing was said all day, until my wife decided to broach the subject by thanking him for looking after her parcel. All he said was,"I certainly scared the life out of that girl, I've never seen someone move so fast", my wife said "Oh, that was xxx's cousin who was over on business for a couple of days from Ireland". He replied by saying "well apologise to her as I didn't mean to scare her". And that was the end of it. It would seem to indicate that the old adage that people see what they think they see is true.

It's strange but the whole time it was what people would say to my wife that I was dreading and I was fearful mostly for her. As for myself, I was almost glad and thought that although I haven't got the bravery to do it myself I could get through it and live my life in the open. So in some ways I got lucky, in other ways maybe not!

2005 - Feb 13 - Well this is it: today my wife and I decided to part: all be it slowly and very very lovingly. It just doesn't work when a marriage needs something but no matter how much you love each other; and we both do; there is a partner lacking the one spark. I have no sexual desire. I never have. I love my wife because I love her, for her whole person and not for her body; the fact that I hate my genitals is; however , something that really lies at the root of all problems . It's strange how it can take so long to write so few words. Sorry I'm rambling but it's not every day you end 16 years of partnership. Note the word partnership though, we will love each other till the end of time.

2005 - March 25 - It is several weeks on and how life changes. I have moved out of our house in Sussex and am renting a two bedroom apartment in central London. It is actually within a few minutes walk or taxi ride from Transmission, Way Out and Tootsies as well as being 15 minutes walk from work. My wife told her parents the real reason and they have been incredibly kind and understanding and wish me well and want to stay in touch. I have also told my Mum who has been amazingly supportive. We have also told three of our closest friends (all female) who were gobsmacked at the real reason for the split but who have also been brilliant. Two of them even want to come out with me to a Transmission! My best girfriends Kim Angel & Laura Handbag have also been really supportive. I have obviously been out a lot more and went to a pub in Crouch End to see Laura play with Elephant Shelf. A stange experience going to a straight pub dressed but it didn't seem to be a problem for anyone. Kim and Laura then came round on the following Wednesday night to see the apartment and we walked round to Cafe Spice Nemaste in Prescot Street dressed for a meal. Once again after a couple of initial glances everyone got on with their own conversations. The staff were also very nice. I then went to the Angelic last weekend which was great fun.

In saying that; however, life isn't one big bundle of fun. I miss my wife dearly, I miss our cuddles and spoons in bed. I miss talking to her and I generally miss her presence. I have good positive days and I have bad stomach renching sobbing attacks like last night were I think my world has fallen apart. I had dinner with her on Wednesday night and it was very emotional for both of us, especially seeing her off on the train.

So what of the future, well I am not making any grand statements because I really don't know. I do know; however, that I need to make the most of the situation to justify losing the most special person in the world and she wants that as well. So I want to get out into the real world as much as possible and do real girl things and I am lucky in having friends like Kim & Laura who also want to vsit the real world with me. In fact Kim has coined the name The Martini Club for the three of us "Any time, any place, any wear"!

So in the short term I intend to have a tooth seen to that I am very conscious of and start Laser on my beard (just got to work out exactly where to get it done as I don't have a car). I am not out at work as it is a very male dominated industry but perhaps that time will come if I want to do more obvious things. If you had asked me at the start of the year whether I would have come out to the peope that I have I would have though you insane. So who knows.

I'm sure the updates will be more frequent now.

2005 - April 10 - Had a great time at The Embassy in Mayfair, brilliantly organised by Della. I must have been having a good time as the presence of the cast of Footballer's Wives and some page three models completely passed me by. Although never having seen the series and not being a Sun reader might also explain it. It was fun though being at a very well known and trendy restaurant (one Michelin star) and club. There were even paparazzi outside but strangely they forgot to snap me and get it into the Sunday papers ;-)

I have told a few more people about Fiona, my sister-in-law, the husband and boyfriend of two of the female friends that I told previously and another male friend. All have been amazing and I am truly humbled and touched by everyone's reaction. That's 10 people now I have told and in every case I have received love and support. Obviously I hope it carries on as I tell people but with a couple of notable exceptions tthe most important friends and family now know. I'm a very happy and lucky girl as I know that things often turn out very differently. Yesterday, I had my mum and my mother and father-in-law over to the flat. The first time I had met the in-laws since my wife told them the truth and they were fabulous. My father-in-law is 83, flew Spitfires in the Second World War, is a life long Daily Mail Reader and generally has pretty right wing views. He has consistently had strong negative views on any thing that deviates from the sexual straight and narrow and I have had many arguments (all done in the spirit of debate after Sunday lunch, so not the stand up row type!) on these subjects. I remember a specially interesting one on his opinions of Eddie Izzard!

Anyway, yesterday he says to me over lunch in the pub that after he was told he did lots of research on the internet. He realises that it is something that I cannot change and also not something that can be cured in a conventional way. He said he has now completely changed his whole views on the subject and he regrets his narrow mindedness over the years. How unbelievable is that from someone who in the 16 years I have known him has never changed his mind on even trivial matters. It does show that love can do amazing things.

2005 - May 8 - Some more people told and all OK but then it turns out that my wife says she doesn't think that we can remain friends if I progress down the transition route as she couldn't be friends with the woman who stole her husband. In one way I understand the logic but on the other I was hurt and saddened beyond anything I have ever felt. For the person you have loved with all your heart for 16 years to say that they are not sure if they can be a friend is devastating. I guess I will just have to get used to this pain but it's not easy.

[Errata 1/6/05 Emotional stuff break! Bit of toys out of the pram there but I am a bit hormonal now even though I'm not actually taking any. 40 years of suppression I think releases enough thank you for the moment. I have to realise that even though I see only me, for most people it is two and as much as I would love the world to know that gender is irrelevant to the person in the skull I know it is very hard for everyone. Please bear with me because it's what's between the ears that matters not between my legs! Sorry to seem crude but that is what this boils down to. By choosing to change gender in my profession I somehow relegate myself from the Premiership to the Vauxhall Conference in one go. If you are not into football that will mean nothing and I don't mean American Football, I mean real footbal :-)]

On a brighter note I did have a great night out last night with my friends Laura, Kim and Karol (pictures in Gallery 40). A very girly night indeed and the dinner at Carluccio's in Smithfield was the highlight although Transmission was good as usual. I have my first Laser session with the Harley Medical Group on the 11th so another milestone will be passed this week. I'm actually having a "beard wake" drinks and dinner do on Wednesday night with some of my friends that I have told so that doesn't happen very often!

2005 - May 12 - Well, did the deed and have now had my first Laser session. Yes, it really does hurt and smells, 20 mins of pain and burning hair smell. Not to be taken lightly! So have spent the last 24 hours going from bad sunburn to bad shaving rash but it didn't stop me having a great night out with two of my RG friends last night for the "wake". To "Ned" and Manda thanks for being there for me, to have supportive friends can never be underestimated and no-one could wish for more supportive friends.

A very landmark day yesterday taking the first non reversible step in Fiona's life but it's a long haul before I see the results. I do know; however that it somehow makes other decisions more easy in the future. Don't confuse sadness with regret!

PS: Yes I'm sure this should be a Blog now but I can't be bothered, as this works for me!

2005 - June 1 - Sometimes just one event in your life defines your future, in my case it was having the first Laser treatment on my facial hair. Up to that point I genuinely believed it was enough to just have the freedom to just be me in the after-work and weekend world. But making that first and most importantly irreversible step that changes you physically also seemed to do the same psychologically . There was no way that I could explain to work that what I had as a shaving rash the next day; but that next day that I cried off sick something changed . I realised that all I was trying to do was to swap a smaller closet for a slightly bigger one. Believe me that is the scariest moment you can imagine! Over the past couple of weeks I have systematically "out-ed" myself to pretty much all family, friends that I really care about, including business. The latter is an important matter given that I work in Wholesale Financial software applications sales and implementation; I have pretty much destroyed myself career wise despite what the new Gender Recognition Bill in the UK says. So; kind of "Catch 22", I have come out to most people that I love (there are some left but hopefully I'll speak to them before the unlikely event of them seeing this) but if I end up homeless and unemployed it's going to take a long time. It's hard to just dump a £100k per year career but that's what this shitty life does to you. Deconstruct to reconstruct!

To everyone that visits here that knows me that I have told to this point which is about 40 people, all I can do is express my love for you being so unbelievable in expressing your love for me; because it is only through love and trust that true respect is achieved.

To my family in which I include partners I send my love (and understanding that this hard to accept) , but then you know that; however to one person in particular though I send special kisses; thank you Karen for you support over the weekend and yes I wished you lived over here because having a "really really" girly real girlfriend would be fabulous. We' ll just have to do it sometimes rather than often. Shall you book Harvey Nick's or shall I?

2005 - June 11 - Well more friends told with no adverse reaction, proof obviously coming later down the line but great nonetheless for my confidence that I will come out of this with some if not all of my friends which is hugely important to me. I have; however, thrown in the towel with my job. I simply couldn't deal with the stress of coming out as well as the coming couple of years at the same time as holding down a very stressful job as a Services Director at a software company in the City of London. Scary, but at least I am fortunate to have several months financially to get some contract/consultancy work to keep the roof over my head (and currently the other roof for my wife), not to mention all the other things that cost money on this journey. It was; however, causing me to drink excessively, even inventing lunchtime meetings so that I could go and drink by myself, not a good place mentally or health-wise to be. Not to mention not eating sometimes for days at end. So not surprisingly although I now have no income I am at least free of that baggage for a few weeks to get myself back to a fit state. Even after a few days I feel so much better, stronger and optimistic but not through rose tinted glasses.

On the social front, went out last Saturday to see a band in a pub in Crouch End (Elephant Shelf, what a great band, go see them if they play near you (largely London) ) and then on to Transmission. Loved the pub best (it is a very normal pub not a gay or tranny specific one just in case any girls are wondering) and it was actually my first time out in jeans and I felt great. I was (apart from the TG members of the band) the only "girl" there and felt very relaxed.

Today the 11th I finally got round to having my ears pierced; so goodbye clip-ons, hello choice at last!

2005 - June 29 - Most of my comments are actually on the Gallery 41 page or front page so not much point in repeating here. Suffice to say that I continue to be absolutely bowled over by my friends, family and business colleagues not to mention some girls on the Net that I barely know. Humanity and love are alive and well in my world it seems! Laser is going really well, far better than I had hoped, and friends in the industry I work in are already passing opportunities my way. I know it is both tempting fate and using a religious word which as an Atheist is a bit strange; but it seems somehow appropriate to say that I seem to have been blessed with an amazing circle of friends and family. Looking forward to something more interesting than studs in the ears in a few weeks time although obviously no dangly or loopy ones for a few more months. Funny that I'm sooo excited about something so small as what earrings I can have but I have dreamt of it since I was so young and it's now nearly real; like lots of bigger things that I always hoped I would do but always thought I was too scared to do.

2005 - July 15 - Went out last night with Leah, Sue and a few others (unfortunately Kim had to cry off sick at the last minute). We went to something called Flash Monkey at the Cafe de Paris in the West End which is a bizarre Burlesque show. It is hard to describe it you'd be better going to www.theflashmonkey.biz The closest I can get is that it had the feel of decadent Berlin between the world wars! Had to wait a while for a Taxi standing on Haymarket, wearing a sequined Jasper Conran dress. No one paid a blind bit of notice or made any comments and I'm sure it wasn't because I pass I'm pretty sure of that! There aren't many more tolerant places on earth than London and in the light of the events of last week it throws into sharp relief the warped beliefs of those who blew themselves and dozens of innocent people up.

Priority for next few weeks is to find employment as I have had enough time off to chill out now. 5 weeks are up on the earring front so I can now put in some more interesting styles rather than the training studs. They do have to still be post style so no real dangly ones but it's a start. On that front, a couple of friends I know predominantly through business circles that are married and I told a couple of weeks ago were very sweet. Not only did they take the news very well but a week later when we met up at a regular Monday night City after work drinks they had bought me a pair of earrings. I was very touched, it was the first feminine gift that any of my non TG friends have ever bought for me and so they will always be treasured. Thank you so much Pete and Amanda.

2005 - July 24 - Went out on Friday with my very good friend Laura to celebrate her birthday. We went to an Italian about 10 minutes walk away on Wapping High Street down by the Thames which I had never tried before I'll put the name in the next time I go past it as i forgot to pay attention! It was brilliant, food superb and the service great. All of the staff were absolutely charming. Well worth a visit if you are in the area. In lieu of getting the name it's opposite Smolensky's Bar and Grill. Oh and another 8 people told about fiona last wek bringing the number up to about 75 and not a single response other than support. Absolutely amazing!

2005 - Aug 3 - The name of the restaurant I mentioned above is Paradiso and here is the Thomson Local link http://www.thomsonlocal.com/CompanyInfo.aspx?ID=2857465&type=4&wtk=2857465_flb&cobrand=&mode=map&endpc=E1W%201BH# It is actually part of a chain but they don't seem to have added this one to their website http://www.pizzaparadiso.co.uk/ They have been around for 70 years!

Two of my Real girlfriends, horrible phrase but I can't think of anything better are coming to the Repartee50 party with me. It will be the first time they have met Fiona in the flesh although they have seen plenty of pics. It will still be scary though as this is kind of the start of stage two. Apart from my soon to be ex-wife Anita none of my non TG friends has ever ever met her. I also went to see a couple of friends last week who actually asked to meet Fiona and we have scheduled to go out the weekend after Repartee50 to the restaurant above. That is even more of a landmark as they are willing as a married couple to be the first of my non TG friends to be seen with me in a non TG environment. For that Phil and Geraldine I will be eternally grateful, I imagine the prospect in many ways is more scary for you than for me as I'm used to being in non TG places.

On the downside, our Decree Nisi (1st stage divorce in the UK, it is followed some time later by a Decree Absolute) will be issued at 10am 18th August a letter informed me yesterday and although it is great that I can eventually become physically the person I have always dreamed of it is still absolutely tearing me apart. The feelings of sadness that I feel in having to give up a relationship to the most unique and loving person I could or will ever meet is gut wrenchingly awful. I just don't know how to get over it and until I do I'll never gain any joy from day to day life. I guess not having a job doesn't help as a) I have far too much time to dwell on things and b) related to a) is I have far too much time to drink and the combination doesn't do great things for your outlook on life. At the end of the day though I have to find someway over this and it is unrealistic in the extreme to have Anita become a lesbian just because I can't stand being in my body anymore! Wallowing in your own self pity is not a pleasant place to be especially when in the last couple of days it was announced on the Angels forum that two girls both in the thirties I believe, had lost their battles with cancer. The rational part of my brain knows that in the scheme of things what I'm dealing with is not life threatening so just be glad of the positive things and get on with it. I mean, god, I even maintain a very close relationship with Anita and we speak every couple of days. Sometimes I think what I need is the treatment that was meted out in the classic comedy film Airplane; you remember the scene of the people on the plane lining up to slap the panicking passenger. The phrase pull yourself together comes to mind because if I don't I won't find a job, won't be able to keep a roof over my head in London (and although I do own another place in Sussex outright, my mum lives there) and in reality changing gender costs a lot of money if you want to do it privately which I do as I don't want to be collecting a pension waiting for it on the NHS!

2005 - Sep 19 - Well what's being going on; largely nothing on the work front so a couple of months before the "Big Issue" sales kick in (UK joke, sorry)...well not quite joke as such more of a fear.

Anyway have been out quite a lot recently, some in the TG world like Transmission but mostly in the real world. Laura and I went to my favourite Italian in Wapping before Transmission at the start of September and had a lovely evening. It's a shame that the next night when we both went out to a place in Kentish Town to see half of Elephant Shelf that I got really hammered and made a bit of a scene after I had somehow construed to have my wig come off. I have no idea how it happened, it just did and it is the first time in my life. I just wanted the Earth to swallow me and for life to end there and then. I then proceeded to make the evening one of the worst ever by shortly after leaving the venue trying an experiment to see whether a TS in 3 inch wedge sandals completely pissed can defy gravity. As Laura can testify to, Newton was right. For me my last memory was my chin hitting the pavement and then waking up back in my flat on the sofa several hours later looking like a vagrant with mud and a big scab on my face, I think a cracked rib and some lovely grazes on my arm. It's not the first time that Laura has been there for me and unfortunately it wasn't the last (although no physical injuries the last time). For that I am and always will be eternally grateful, xx Laura

On the brighter side, I have begun Phase 2 as I term it. It's one thing for people to hear your story and look at a few pics or a web site but another to meet Fiona in reality. So the last two weekends I have done just that. On the 10th I had a brilliant day with my girlfriends Vanessa and Amanda.

This weekend past, the 17th was another big one. Meeting with my great friends and it was at their instigation; Geraldine (Gerri) and Phil. I was so scared, I guess because it was my first male friend tha had met Fi, but I shouldn't have worried, within minutes we were chatting as always. We then went to, guess what, my favourite Italian, and I have to say I was so thrilled that the Maitre d' immediately came over and said how lovely it was to see me back. He even remembered that it was a bottle of Prosecco that I (or more often Laura) have ordered. It really made myself and my friends very comfortable and set the scene for a lovely night.

I will update again for anyone remotely interested in a few more weeks.

2005 - Nov 6 - Been a bit remiss on updating this but I've been quite busy. Fist time I have been able to say that for while! I've been working on a project management contract for the last 5 weeks which has been great. Good to join the realm of the living again, leaving aside the purely monetary aspects. I'm nearly 4 weeks into Alcohol Dependency counselling at Antidote who have been brilliant. It's not like AA where it appears to be binary, either you drink or you don't. Antidote specialise in drug and alcohol dependency in the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) community and help you either reduce usage or stop. In my case I simply want to get back to only social drinking and not sad home alone, drinking at least 2 bottles of red wine a day and that's after the pub! It has been brilliant, in the first two weeks I drank 120 units or so less than I would have before and I didn't exactly go teetotal to achieve that. I feel better and happier in myself than I have done for many years. It's nice to lose the shakes! It is really important not just for my health that I do this but also because I need my liver to be in reasonable shape otherwise prescriptions for hormones are going to be a non starter. I plan to reduce consumption further with a view to hopefully seeing Dr Russell Reid in January and starting HRT soon after, well as I say that's the plan.

Some people have asked how long this will all take, well we are back to that plan and like all best laid plans it is subject to change a short notice but broadly speaking I hope to follow the timeline below. My apologies to any visitor who knows the standard TS transition process but this entry is largely for those friends and colleagues that might be visiting here that almost certainly have no idea whatsoever what is involved.

Start of 2006 hopefully hormone therapy (HRT) and dealing with the hot flushes and mood swings and loss of muscle not that I have a great deal of that. The HRT takes two forms, firstly anti androgens which basically inhibit testosterone production and oestrogen promoters to produce female hormones that will help redistribute body fat and soften the skin. I will also have voice coaching which for those of you that know me is pretty important. Hopefully you will be surprised at the result. I will also probably have a bit of dental work done. My hair is growing well but because it is very curly it takes forever. I would think another 4 months and I'll pay a visit to Vidal Sasoon and pose them the conundrum of deciding what colour my hair should be (I'm largely gray and I have no intention of going with that look!) and also how it should be cut so that I can wear it as Geoff for work but with a style that can be converted for my time as Fiona. I can't wait to get rid of the wig, it will be one less artificial thing about Fiona, each one ticked off means I'm one step closer to my dream. Laser hair removal has been brilliant; I have had 6 sessions on my face and have pretty much zero dark hair growth which is fantastic and feels and looks so much better. I have a couple more at two month intervals to just catch the odd straggling new hair. It's fantastic to just put a little foundation on and no powder. My face doesn't look like the surface of the moon anymore! I have also had my first session on chest and abdomen down to the pubic line and that has worked very well just on that one visit, not that I had a huge amount to get rid of in the first place. Early next year I will though have to start some electrolysis sessions to get rid of the white hairs in those areas. Unfortunately Laser only works on hairs with pigment so I need electrolysis to get rid of the rest.

Ideally towards the end of next year I would like to be making final preparations for entering my RLT (Real Life Test not a sandwich!) where you have to spend at least 1 year in your new gender role living and working on a 24x7 basis before final reassignment surgery can be carried out. So provided I can maintain gainful employment on contracts and build up some savings, well quite a lot actually, I would like to be in a position to have some preparatory cosmetic surgery at the end of next year. This will include a nose job (badly needed), brow bossing (filing down brow ridges to give a "gracile" profile, bring hairline forward a bit at sides, soften jaw line by removing some bone mass, breast augmentation ("boob job" in the vernacular). Although I wll hopefully have been on hormones for a year, generally the rule of thumb as a TS is that you will develop a cup size 1 down from your mother. As my mum is a "B" that doesn't give me much to play with, if you will excuse the pun! The silicone breast forms that I wear externally at present are "36B" and they are about right as far as I'm concerned. I'd rather not say goodbye to my feet! And lastly, look away now any of my male friends reading this, a bilateral orchidectomy or in plain English the removal of the testes from the scrotal sacs. This is done for 3 reasons really, firstly it allows you to stop taking anti androgens because the testes create the testosterone and this helps put less stress on your liver, secondly aesthetically it helps when wearing trousers or jeans and thirdly, here comes the technical bit, in order to hide your "bits" you actually push your testes back up into the abdomen, which contrary to what you might think doesn't in itself hurt at all, after all many boxers and martial arts experts do it as a matter of course. However, after a few days they do get a bit tender so 365 days would get a bit uncomfortable! On the whole I will look and feel like I have been in a serious road accident for a few weeks.

Well that's next year sorted in my grand plan. So, onwards to 2007. If I have the required surgical stuff done towards the end of next year, say end November, I would then take December to recover and aim to start living permanently as Fiona at the start of January 2007, one hell of a New Years resolution! That's when the tricky bit of finding work (obviously the best outcome would be that I had this sorted before) as Fiona. I really don't know how that will pan out in my field of expertise in the City but I'm not having a brain transplant so I have to believe it can be done. Not much else, as if that's not enough, for the year. I would then like to think that I could schedule reassignment surgery for the start of 2008 which in itself is usually carried out in two separate operations a few months apart. Turn away again guys another gory bit coming up. My preferred option is for something called Penile Inversion where effectively the shaft of the penis is removed and the skin is inverted into a cavity created to form a vagina, the glans at the very top of the penis is retained and turned into the clitoris (after all they are the same organ in every embryo before sexual differentiation). This operation is called Vaginoplasty and is what most people would call "the sex change op". The second operation is done for more cosmetic but in reality still very important reasons if you wish to have realistic looking genitalia. This is called Labiaplasty and involves the creation of the clitoral hood and the Labia (or "flaps" as most blokes like to refer to them). After that what else is left to do? Well after two years of being post-op and having lived as a female I can have my birth certificate changed thanks to the law change of last year in England & Wales and I could legally marry, not that I think that's likely but you never know how you'll feel after HRT, certainly wouldn't be top of my "must do" list at the moment though! Then finally, obviously the most important milestone, after two years post op, I get to play off the Ladies Tees at golf and that really does seem to worry some of my male friends.

So there you go, my grand plan in all it's glory just sitting there waiting for a butterfly to flap it's wings in China (apologies to anyone who hasn't come across Chaos theory). Probably more than you need or wanted to know but it passed some time for me on a Sunday afternoon with Man Utd and Chelsea playing each other in the background on Sky Sports. Yes Fiona likes sport, get over it...... oh and heavy rock music so don't think taste improves with gender!

2006 - Jan 1 - Well I made it through Xmas and the New Year not to mention 2005 in general, which at certain points earlier in the year I wasn't so confident I would do. I owe so, so much to my friends who have been so supportive and especially to those that have really been there for me when I really needed it, you know who you are. 2006 is going to be a huge challenge to me medically, physically and emotionally as my transition progresses towards hopefully going full time towards the end of this year. To all my friends, I'll try to not burden you with too much crap during the year and if I start going a bit mad due to hormones, etc, you all have my permission to line up Airplane (the comedy classic film for those that have been on the Lost island!) style and take turns slapping me in the face!

November and December were the usual mixture of Geoff work related and Fiona non work social occasions. A few stand out as memorable, the first was a big annual party in November that is one of the most sought after invites of the year amongst City software companies. It's thrown by a well known Marketing company called Write Image run by Clare Walsh who must know more people than anyone else on the planet. Anyway, it was really the first time I had been in a very public forum since the information broke like wildfire through my industry. I was very, very surprised by the number of people that approached me that night and said very kind and supportive things to me. One day my innate cynicism will be proved right but I hope I'm wrong!

My great friend Laura had a huge 50th birthday bash at a club she had hired in Clerkenwell (an area just North of the City of London). Not satisfied with being in one band she decided to play in two that night, Elephant Shelf and The Treacle Tarts. She really is a guitar babe. Not content with that our friend Kim did the DJing thing after the bands up until 3am. I did get up and dance with my friends Vanessa and Amanda that came with me and thankfully there is no photographic evidence this time.

At the start of December, my friend Leah and Jodie from the Boudoir cajoled a few of us girls to make a trip to Simon Drake's House of Magic in Kennington. It was pretty expensive at £75 a head for the dinner and show but it was a very, very different night. Lots of dry ice and spooky things going on. It was great fun and we had all decided to really glam it up with full Evening Dress. Not very often that you get the change to do that and I got a chance to wear a beautiful blue dress that I bought a few years ago but had never had the chance to wear in public. Sadly no pics of the evening which is the norm these days.

I also had a few meals out with friends as Fiona in November and december and some of those were very important for me because they were second time ones. I guess it's my own measurement of how comfortable people are with the real me. Saying nice supportive things is very welcome and I guess nice and I am not demeaning those sentiments they are really important to me. To be honest though neither I nor the other party can tell whether the reality will be the same. So those brave friends that have met me out in the big bad world have progressed to phase 2 and so far so good on that front which is great. The real proof of the pudding is the repeat outing, that is the true measure of how comfortable people are with me. This has now happened a couple of times and that really is the dream come true for me. 2006 will be the big test as eventually it won't be special occasions it will be every day, so I hope that before it becomes inescapable that many more friends will meet me. That was my reason for coming out so early, to give people lots of time.

A very special and particularly nerve racking Close Encounter of the First Kind (yes I know that strictly speaking it should be Third kind!) was going to dinner with some of the guys from work, two of whom I set the company up with. Steve is one of my closest and oldest friends that I have known for nearly 20 years, Wayne I have worked with for 11 years and Simon was our first employee 5 years ago. You can imagine how scary that was. The local Italian got the usual visit and I have to say that it was very strange walking the 10-15 minutes to the restaurant with these guys that I have worked and socialised with for so many years. It was; however, quite nice to walk in a group where one guy is 6 feet 5 and another is 6 feet three or so. Being 5 feet 11 and wearing 2 or 3 inch heels usually makes me the tallest! Anyway, it was a brilliant night for me, we chatted about the usual mixture of work and general nonsense and came back to my flat to hoover up lots of other drinks. As I remarked the next day, "Nobody died and nobody ran away" so I put it down as a success. Some of you reading this will know the guys anyway so you can ask them their opinion for yourself!

I have to admit I was dreading Xmas and the New Year as I have always loved the period and Anita and I generally hosted all of the family celebrations. It is a time to be close to those you love. This year was obviously going to be very different. I would really likek to thank my ex-Sister-in-Law and her husband for inviting me over on Xmas eve along with my ex Mother and Father-in-Law. It was especially emotional to see my four ex Nephew and Nieces. I haven't seen them for 11 months and that is a long time in a kid's life. I am a godparent to the youngest who was 3 when I last saw her and is now just 4 years old as of December. It became obvious after a short while sitting round the table over drinks that she didn't know who I was. Can you imagine how much of a choke that was, I'm amazed that I was able to hold myself together and not have a blubbering fit. About an hour later I was talking to her, when she stared directly into my eyes, squinted a bit, and said "You used to have short hair" to which I said yes, she then said "I used to visit you" as all the bits of her memory came back. Not surprisingly another major choke moment that I managed to control but only just. Even writing this I'm having to hold back, not because there's anything wrong with doing that, certainly not, I just don't want to have to tidy up the mascara and eye liner. For you guys that know me as Geoff, just one more odd thing to get used to I suppose! The other kids were great, and Amy who is 14 and half, and growing into a beautiful young woman is amazing for her age in knowing and accepting the truth about me. She is a great testament, as are all the kids to their parents upbringing of them. It made my Xmas.

Xmas day was very strange having it with my Mum on our own but it was OK and she was pretty chirpy for my mum which helped. She's still to meet me as Fiona but we talk about it freely and she knows the time is coming when it is inevitable. That will I am sure be a moment to record here!

And so to New Year, the last emotional point to get over. I wanted it to be Fiona's night so I put on a very feminine dress, some nice jewellery, opened the Pink Champagne and toasted good luck to myself for the forthcoming frightening year. Little did I know a year before when I was doing the usual toast wih Anita and family that that would be Geoff's last ever New Year's eve. I can't believe how much life has changed over the last year, the overwhelming sadness of separation from the person you love with all your heart, which I doubt will ever completely leave me, mixed with the euphoria and anticipation of becoming the person I have always dreamt of physically becoming. I try not to dwell too much on the enormity of what I need to achieve in 2006 but with the continuing support of my friends I know I can do it.

Big day for me this Thursday the 5th when I have my first appointment with Dr Curtis, the successor to Dr Reid. Dr Reid is winding down and handing over the practice to Dr Curtis. Hopefully this will mark the start of the official medical process of transition, HRT and medical records, etc. I have been taking Anti Androgens (Testosterone blockers) and Conjugated Oestrogen that I bought on the internet ages ago for about 2 months but this should be done under medical supervision if taken long term (which is obviously the plan). I'll update here with how it went, suffice to say it is in my mind one of the most important milestones in my life.

2006 - Jan 8 - Well Thursday has been and gone. It was strange that I was really nervous all week and didn't sleep very well for the few days beforehand but when the day came, I felt fine. Something inevitably had to screw up and just to remind me that everything in the garden isn't rosy all the time I suffered my first ever incident of transphobic bigotry on my way to Dr Curtis. Quite amazing that given how long and often I have been going out as Fiona that this was the very first time and I must be very lucky in that respect. Anyway, I had booked my usual cab company that I have been using for 9 months and who are reliable and with whom I have never had a problem before. I wanted to make sure I wasn't late so I booked it for 3:30pm (the appointment was in Earls Court at 4pm). It duly arrived on time and I got in and said Warwick Rd please, he looked at me but didn't say anything. About 30 yards and I mean 30 yards maximum, he pulled over and turned round anfer picking up a piece of paper on the front passenger seat. He stared at me and said his booking was for a Mr Chick (my phone automatically registers my name when I call based on the number), to which I simply replied, yes, that's technically correct, but I am a transitioning transsexual so I have two names. At this stage queue the rabbit in the headlights look. He then said, the car is not working and I said what is it broken. He said the car is not going anywhere and i said are you saying you are not willing to take me. He then said, please order another cab and promtly took the keys out of the ignition, picked up his mobile, got out of the car and walked off down the street!!! I didn't have much of a choice at this point and had to get out of the cab, cross the road and fortunately was able to hail a black taxi very quickly. Not before in a rather less than ladylike way I had screamed after him something along the lines of "f**k off you bigoted c**t"! At least the cab company knew that they had done wrong, as before I had a chance to call them, the controller called me apologising profusely and asking me to give them a second chance. I just hope they do the right thing and get rid of him. Unfortunately the law is on his side because although as of 2004 transsexual people are protected from employment discrimination we do not have the same protection in the delivery of goods and services. Anyone is quite within their legal rights to refuse to serve me in a shop, pub, restaurant, etc, etc, just because they are bigoted. Not exactly fair is it!

In the end I got there about 10 minutes late and was fine from there on. Richard really made me feel at ease, which is not that easy when you are being asked very searching questions about your childhood, parents, relationships, sex, sexual orientation, etc. To cut a long story short which is very unusual for me, it went very well. The great news was that after having discusssed the effects of my couple of months of taking hormones and bearing in mind my general sparseness of body hair anyway he didn't think I needed to take Anti-androgen drugs. I apparently probably don't produce much testosterone so I should see fairly good results just on oestrogen therapy. So I have a 3 month prescription, to take me up to my next appointment with Richard, of Estraderm patches. They are very similar to the nicotine patches I used when i gave up smoking two and a bit years ago, so at least i know I don't have a problem with wearing them.

So it's now a case of sit back and see what happens. Things are certainly happening anyway as a result of the last couple of months and breast tissue is beginning to develop directly behind the nipples. More on the left than the right (I hope I don't end up with lopsided boobs!) but both areas are very tender. Truly a dream come true going back all those years ago to when I was a teenager going to bed and dreaming that I would wake up as a girl and have breasts and that my actual life was just a bad dream!

So what next, well I hope to make a appointment to get something done about my hair in the next few weeks, colouring and styling. It's getting difficult to keep it hidden under a wig and it will be brilliant to not have to. It will take a bit of getting used to! As ever I'll put something here say how it went when it happens.

2006 - Mar 18 - I'm not great at this diary, sorry blog, thing. Not quite sure what was wrong with the word diary anyway in cyberspace but there you go. So I won't bore you with the minutiae. So here are the highlights for me:

Had my hair coloured for the first time, bye bye grey hello light brown with a bit of brunette and Federico (first name terms already!) also dried it straight. I doubt my mother would have recognised me, I know I struggled! I have since, just last week had it, what they euphemistically call "relaxed"; i.e. chemically straightened. I'm pretty handless at the best of times and not having the benefit of growing up a girl I'm kind of coming from way behind on the hair styling front. So straight is a bit easier to manage at this point hopefully than my naturally undisciplined curliness. I have to say though that having it straightened is fairly unpleasant. My hair had a smell like wet dog blanket for a day and felt like fuzzy felt combined with a Worzel Gummidge wig (sorry to non UK girls, just do a Google on that one) for the 3 days I wasn't supposed to shampoo it. Today was a relief and I think the results will be worth it. You can see for yourself as this is the very first ever picture ever published of me with my own hair.

After all these years wearing wigs and given that I have had the black real hair one that is in most of the photos on this site for getting on for 9 years it actually takes a hell of a lot of getting used to. It's not just the look and the colour and the fact that it's not perfect because you have to style it yourself and I do need to surgically address the slightly receded bits at the front. It's the alien feeling that you have forgotten something like your handbag. I think I'll have to spend another month or so on it before I ditch the wig in public but it thankfully is just round the corner. The colour of the hair is usually a bit richer but the chemicals remove some colour and I need my roots doing. Next weeks job. Such is the vicious circle I have willingly entered ;-)

I've had my 8th and final Laser on my face and that has gone really well with no dark hairs to speak of left. I have now started electrolysis at a place off Bow Lane in the City, Beauty Essence, to get rid of the grey hairs which are left, mostly on the neck thankfully. Not as painful as the laser but because it is every week at least for 30 minutes it is much more of a pain in the proverbial. Overall though I am really happy with the results as I get quite a few compliments on how good my skin looks. I have one more laser session on my chest and abdomen and that's going well too.

I've been out lots and lots with friends from all parts of my life, so to speak, with quite a few more now added to the list that have met Fi for the first time. I still pinch myself that they are still there but each time seems less and less surreal and just normal. My life's dream! So I just hope it continues and all I can say once again is a massive thank you to everyone of my friends for just being that.

The oestrogen patches seem to be doing their job and thankfully I, to date, haven't had any of the downside effects. I won't be going in for any wet T-shirt competitions anytime soon but there is definite continuous improvement. I'll be going back to Dr. Curtis probably in April for a check and to get a repeat prescription. All I can say is that whether it is the hormone or just the placebo effect of knowing that I'm on my way, It feels really right.

Oh and a special thanks in this little update to two friends for buying me my first ever flowers on Valentine's day. It was very sweet of you to both think of me; it meant a great deal to me. Thank you so much Wayne and Kara.